“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”
Ephesians 4:31–32 (ESV)
While this may seem strange, list 10 things that drive you crazy.
Often, people struggle with this exercise, so here’s an example. I taught adult ed when I lived in Maine, and one of my students was a 43-year-old grandmother with a third-grade reading level. She often complained about this or that, and, in some cases, she was quite angry about whatever the situation was, so I worked through this activity with her.
One of the items on her list was the fact that the people in her household didn’t put a new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser so it would turn in the “right” direction. I never did ask what she thought was the right direction because it didn’t matter. So, give yourself a few minutes to write your list before moving on. I can wait. …
You no doubt recognize that the issue with the toilet paper was not about this grandmother, it was about the others who lived with her. With that in mind, cross off everything on your list that is about someone else. Just keep those things that are about you personally—things about yourself that drive you crazy. In the years I’ve been using this exercise, only once did the individual leave something on the list.
So what about those things that other people do that drive you nuts? How long have you carried those thoughts in your heart? Do you even remember why you have those emotions? Should you be talking about them with everyone but the person with whom you take issue?
Here, I’m going to bare my soul and share with you a bit about my own journey and my meager understanding about anger. I have not arrived, but God is still leading me on a path of recovery, overcoming, and forgiveness.
I still remember one school day in Ithaca, Michigan, when we were at recess at the little church school I attended between grades three and eight. I don’t remember the details of the incident, but I clearly remember screaming, “When I get mad, I get mad!”
Whatever happened, I had lost my perception of control—control that I never had in the first place. A classmate took it upon herself to remind me of those words for the rest of my grade school years, during our academy years, and even at the fortieth academy graduation reunion the now grown woman decided it would be fun to remind me.
God, in His mercy, allowed me to be unresponsive to her barbs. I no longer harbor hard feelings toward her, except perhaps pity since living in the past seems to give her some kind of alleged comfort. Clinging to that kind of animosity is unhealthy because it consumes our thinking. To carry a grudge allows someone else to control us.
Decades after grade school, I was sitting in a church board meeting when we needed to nominate an elder. One woman was good friends with the wife of the man she nominated. I had witnessed something involving this man that appeared not to be on the up-and-up. I never said anything to anyone about what I had witnessed, not even to the pastor. I knew that if I said anything, and I was wrong, I could never take back my words.
When I opposed the vote, people knew I had a valid reason because I rarely said anything unless it was absolutely necessary. The woman who made the nomination was always offering her opinions, right or wrong. My opposition carried the vote and led us to look for someone else.
This woman delivered a lengthy tirade in my direction because she lost her perception of control, which she never had in the first place. Another board member tried to reason with her, but when someone is angry, even just a little, that person does not have the ability to think rationally.
Her wrath was so bad that the pastor called me the next morning to make sure I had survived the attack. She, too, called, not to apologize but to make sure I understood her ultimatum.
Just as my fellow board member could not contend with her, no one can reason with an enraged person. Anger, frustration, bitterness, and other negative emotions do not occur in the frontal lobe of the brain where reasoning happens.1
I knew I had to forgive this woman, but how? I’d forgiven people in the past, but this seemed above and beyond my capacity. I am not a naturally forgiving person. I have a tendency to cling to grudges like a vice grip, but I knew this would eat me alive. I pleaded with God to show me the path to forgiveness, to teach me to love her as He loves her. I knew God had begun to work that miracle in my heart because I served almost another three years with her on that church board until I resigned to care for my mother.
In the years since then, on occasion, the negative emotions toward her reared their ugly heads, even after she and her husband moved away. Every so often, she would call my office at the Christian book publisher where I worked to make an order. I felt myself getting twisted, so I had to forgive all over again.
Other times, memories simply crept into the crevasses of my mind as I thought about life. Doesn’t the Bible say to forgive 70 x 7? (See Matthew 18:21-22.) This means that we forgive until we have peace. Ezekiel 36:26 helps in this forgiving process. Here, the Word describes a “heart surgery” where the Lord will carve out our stony, hard hearts and transplant within us soft, loving hearts.
I’ve had to forgive her several times over the years. On August 3, 2024, she and her husband stopped by the ministry booth where I volunteered during a convention in Orlando, Florida. Surprised to see them, I received them joyfully, for God had bestowed peace upon me.
When your emotions are stirred to the point you are angry or frustrated, stop and ask yourself: “Why?” “Why am I angry?”
Often, it’s because someone has taken something from us that we did not want to give. Generally, it’s something intangible, like time, perhaps. The likely actuality is that you have lost your perception of control. We all want to have some measure of control over every situation, but the reality is that we never had control in the first place.
“He said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”
2 Corinthians 12:9 (KJV)
In our damaged, sinful state, only God’s marvelous grace is enough for our salvation, hope, and ability to forgive. Hard things happen to those who follow in the footsteps of Jesus. I find John 16:33 encouraging: “These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.”
As I write this, frustrations on other issues crossed my path in just the past few days. Praise God that He has already overcome the problems. I don’t know the details yet as this is a lesson in learning to trust His grace and being full of forgiveness through Him.
Call to Action
What about you? Will you claim God’s marvelous grace in the face of anger and adversity to release the hostility in your heart? Will you choose to let God heal your heart and fill you with His love and peace toward others? Only through Jesus, we CAN forgive.
Unless noted otherwise, scripture taken from the New King James Version®. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved.
- Kendra Cherry, MS, “Parts of the Brain: Anatomy, Functions, and Conditions,” Verywell Mind, updated on July 12, 2024, https://www.verywellmind.com/the-anatomy-of-the-brain-2794895.
